Seeing the Forrest for its Trees

“The only real thing is what you’re feeling right now.”

Emotional:

We survived a lot in our quick year together, yet we can’t survive this. When I think back over the year, I find I am shocked we ever dated. We were such an unlikely pair. The relationship caught both of us by surprise. We defied everything else, so why not this? Now I’m shocked we are over. Almost two months and the reality of where we were and are now hasn’t quite settled. Did you really send me a text breaking up with me? And did that really make sense to you? It’s not like picking what to eat for dinner. There are feelings and another person involved! He was the one that sought me out and convinced me we were worth it. He fell so hard so quickly, and yet he is the one that pulls the plug? Does that make sense? Where did all those feelings go?!…Just want a small part of me to still make his heart shiver. You always want to be a great love to someone. Where moving on would take a lot more strength and pain. Not so immediate or easily replaceable. You want to believe that it wasn’t a waste.

As time got closer for you to move here, I started planning. Planning our future. Planning the promises we made for when you got here. You didn’t give me signs to worry or to stop planning. Now, everything I planned burns just a little more inside because I attached so many emotions to them. None will come alive and that makes me so incredible sad.

You always want relationships to work. I know this wasn’t the right relationship for me, but that doesn’t mean I wanted it to end. I didn’t want to change him, but I wanted to believe we could, together, change and survive. I convinced myself that we were something more than we were. Coming up on two months, and despite the fact he hasn’t reached out or done anything to indicate he’s coming back, I still strongly believe if we met or he reached out, it would all go back to normal. I want to believe this is true because it feels right….Feels right vs. is right. It hurts when you realize you aren’t as important to someone as you thought. You know things will never be the same, even if he came back. But deep inside, that’s all you want. A dead end.

I’m not okay with him being okay with me not being in his life. Can he really pretend nothing happened? We didn’t exist? That the last year and some change didn’t impact him as much as he said? Then leave like he’s unaffected. With some breakups you know your ex checks in on you. I don’t think he does. He was such an emotional person, but from the moment he hit send on that text to now, he’s suddenly become the coldest person.

My thoughts and memories are the only thing keeping us alive and I’m not ready to let go, Grey. I know it’s the truth, but I’m not ready to say goodbye yet.

Rational: 

When I can look past my emotions, I know it’s clear he intends to stand by his decision and not come back. It’s crystal clear! Recent events aside from this break up have taught me that once you’re done in relationships, you’re done. So for me to think he is coming back is wasted energy. He committed and is convinced this is the right decision. Why would he consider me asking him to try one more time? He wouldn’t. He doesn’t want to talk about it or leave the topic open for discussion.

When this is the case, you don’t think about the past. You think about where you are in that moment and where you need to go moving forward. So as emotional as I got about how he could so easily let our past go, I know it didn’t come up.

We won’t be in each other’s lives again. He will never initiate contact. That isn’t his MO. We may, years down the road, “like” something of each other’s on social media, but that’s all it’ll ever be. That’s how it goes with relationships: you clean cut from that person. If he ever unblocks me and decides to refriend or I reach out, I’m sure through social media we will be “friends”. But rationally thinking, even years from now I wouldn’t want that. I don’t want that with other people, so why would he be any different?

He said I had pride issues. But how he’s act now is nothing but pride and ego. Knowing how he’s acted in the past has helped the healing process. Knowing I wasn’t the only relationship he just up and threw away. He has a system. It doesn’t feel good to know I was treated the same as the others, but it makes understanding what happened easier.

I still believe all it boiled down to was time and distance apart. I want to believe the feelings we shared will forever hold a spot in his heart, but I also have to believe that if what we shared was really that strong, it wouldn’t have ended. This is life. We develop feelings just as quickly as we forget those feelings. So although we meant the world to each other at one point, it was only for that one point.

I let the emotional side of me think we stood a chance. I psyched myself out and hindered the healing process. I want to believe we could exist again. That we cannot fade so easily, but rationally I have to accept we are now strangers in the same city.

Selfish

I was the one who loved you even though you gave me a thousand reasons not to. I overlooked those reasons because I was selfish and scared. Because I was so consumed by “our love”. I was selfish and wanted you for myself. I still want you for myself. I was selfish and wanted you for my happiness. I thought I was bringing you happiness too. I was selfish because I was looking forward to you moving to the same city. Having a best friend and lover under the same roof. Someone to look forward to going home to. Cooking, traveling, and experiencing life with. I’m selfish because I want you to be hurting like you hurt me. For this to not be as easy as you are making it. For you to regret your decision. I want a part of you to be struggling. I’m selfish because you gave me strength to change my life, and for that I don’t want to let you go. I want you to keep motivating me and giving me strength to do better, be better, or just live better. I’m selfish because I don’t want you to be with anyone else until I’m ready. Because right now, it would just hurt too much to see you moved on. I want you to still want me, and I be the one to walk away unhurt. I want to have control over how this ended. I’m selfish because I want to be who you still drunk text and call at 3 in the morning. I’m selfish because I don’t want to let go.

I’m selfish because I don’t want you to forget me. To forget us. To come back. To keep loving me. I’m selfish for thinking we were something more than we were. For thinking we were different…I was different.

selfish

But you were fucking selfish too Grey. You leaving was selfish. You knew it would cause me great pain, but you didn’t care. You wanted out and you didn’t care that it shattered my heart into a million pieces. You couldn’t even tell me why. I knew I loved you more when I started making excuses for the way you hurt me. Coming in second place to your video games. You’re selfish for saying I had pride issues, when it’s only ever been about your pride. You’re selfish because this is the norm for you, this is how you always leave. You took all my memories and secrets with the promise of being there for me and all would be okay, but where are you now? You wanted the long haul remember? You asked for marriage and ever after, was that all just a game? You’re selfish because it’s all or nothing with you: we are lovers or we are strangers. And in the future, you’ll describe me to others inaccurately. You won’t give them the happy memories, just the negatives. You’re selfish because you would always come back if I asked and now you won’t hear me. My words, emotions, and heartbreak mean nothing to you. You’re selfish for being happy right now. You emphasized a gazillion times how no matter what we’d be friends. You wiped us from your memory and that’s the most selfish thing you could do.

You’re selfish because you don’t want to remember me. To remember us. To come back. To keep loving me. You were selfish for not letting us be something more…letting me mean more.

Right now, I’m selfish for loving you and wanting to try again. You’re selfish for throwing it away and not turning back.

 

Devil in the Details

The details are filling my mind. Details I cannot control and serve no purpose other than to cause more pain. These details are shattering my heart right now. I hate that one day I’m so good and the next I’ve relapsed to day one.

I’m desperately looking for a sign. Something from him telling me he still cares, he’ll be back, he still thinks or loves…something. I’ll take anything! I know I’m only hurting myself by waiting and looking, checking the other social media sites he hasn’t removed me on. And as I try to walk away and leave, the details flood in. They hold me back and the tears fall. You never realize how deeply you are intertwined with someone until you try to walk away.

I know I have to accept that it’s over and I won’t see a sign, but I just can’t find it in myself to do so.

What I cannot look past no matter how ridiculous:

  1. Him blocking me: If we never spoke again, does it really matter if he ever unblocks me? No, but because I still want him to care, it matters. I want him to not have deleted and purged me from his memory. To not remember I’m blocked. I cant help but feel I ruined everything by pushing him into blocking me. We were already done when it happened, but it was on ‘positive’ terms. Now it’s out of hate, annoyance, and anger. I want him to remember and have some emotional response (guilt?). I want the blocking to be temporary, but I know it’s not. He has already forgotten I’m blocked, and even if he does remember, he has no intention of undoing it. 😦
  2. Him moving on: Please let it take a longer than a few months to move on. That’s the worst, to think you could be easily move on-able. That means I never meant much to him if that quickly his feelings went away. You’re with your family now, can you really be thinking of moving on to someone else? Beyond my control, and yet I care because I’m not ready to accept his feelings are gone. I’m not ready to see him happy with someone else. It’s so petty, I know…but it matters to me.
    1. The small gestures and things he will do when he starts to feel for another girl…I can’t!
  3. How we ended: I always hope for friendship after, but people’s definitions of friends after breakups differ. To him, it would have just meant we stay connected on social media. To me it would be to talk regularly and hang out. I wouldn’t have been okay with his version. Coupled with the blocking, now instead of ending as “friends”, we end as disgruntled strangers. I don’t want him to remember me as a psycho ex. Or someone who didn’t know when to give up/let go. “Ew not her” if someone brings me up, as he once did when I unknowingly asked about a girl (who turned out to be an ex). I won’t know what he says or thinks, but it’s still important to me that he remembers the positive, not the negatives. No matter how crappy Kyle’s departure, I still remember him positively. I can only hope the same here. That he reflects on the positives, not the “us” at the end. That holding this grudge against me isn’t worth it.
  4. Its all just crazy to grasp: Two unlikely people come together, share something stronger than expected, and then it abruptly ends and you’re back to being strangers. One is okay with it and the other is not.
    1. He fell in love so fast, should I have taken note of that? He showed signs of being in love a few weeks in, but didn’t actually say the words until months later….
    2. But if only IN love twice…how did I fall into the “normal” pile.
  5. Did he avoid talking to me on the phone because maybe, juuuust maybe hearing my voice would trigger regret? Or did he just want to keep the distance between us? I want to believe the first option, but know it’s the latter.
  6. Years from now, if he sees a pic of me or I walk by, will he still think I’m pretty like he once did? Where I went from being pretty to beautiful to who knows what now? Will his disgust and hate really turn me into an ogre in his eyes? For eternity? And that’s the struggle with break ups. You want the other person to still find you attractive. To still be beautifully sexy to him. And not become just another person or seen as whatever. I want him to still want me and find me different. I think it’s been a really long time since he’s felt that way about me. But I think he was willing to make it work. Now he doesn’t even feel that way at all because he doesn’t even want to make it work. Meaning he’s not attracted to me anymore. Super superficial…but he once told me my face caught his attention, and I want it to still should we see each other again.
  7. Does he plan to make this long-term or will he eventually come around? He never really talks to his exes after breakups. A like here or a follow there, but never any dialogue occurs. I want to believe I’m different, but am I putting too much emotion into this thought? And once I’m moved on, will it even matter?
  8. Carrie brought up a good point: Why did we keep it going after I moved? Why not take the easy out? So was the “fakeness” really the reason why he left? It got to be too much? And when the relationship wasn’t worth it anymore the realization that the in love part was gone? So it became a necessity than anything else? Is there a possibility that he still cared? Still cares? And the block was only because I became annoying or struck a cord? I’m just spinning in circles….
    1. Is the breakup what he wanted or needed? Or did he act out what he believed as the “right thing to do”? If he came around to realizing he made a mistake, would he just let the thought die or would he try to save us?
    2. He did it while drunk, so did he act out of emotion or was he rational? Was it an impulsive act? Sigh…
  9. Its so stupid but im curious of how he felt before and now after the block. Was there a chance or did he still care and is not pissed? Or is now annoyed? Or is now too hurt? Or was there no change at all? Or did he just get tired of seeing messages from me?
  10. He always puts on a tough act or apathetic front. Is that what he’s doing now and inside really does hurt? Or does he really feel nothing?
  11. But most of all, I cannot get over how easy he is making this breakup look. I wasn’t expecting this to end. He wanted this relationship to work at the beginning so bad, fighting and pursuing, but then just walk away as if it meant nothing? What gives? We went through so much, I want to know so badly why he can’t try one more time. There has always been a one more time for us.

None of what I am dwelling on matters. And yet, while my emotions are so high and the tears keep strolling, it’s all I can seem to think about. What happened to us? How did we get here?! Ugh, as I reread this post I disgust myself.

Forced Healing

“You don’t make me feel like you used to.
That’s why I’m leaving
That’s why people leave each other
They come to their senses and get selfish again.”

Now you’re left with having to unexpectedly move on. Memories betray you. Your feelings and emotions exponentially increase. Everything is out of your control, and yet you fight.

You never think during your average day about the relationship you’re in because you think you have one more day. You always think you have more time. But as soon as it’s over, it’s all you can think about. You rack your mind trying to figure it out. You think about how this or that will be the last time to ever happen, or how you’ll never experience certain with him again. And because you never treat things like it could be the last time, you take it for granted.

Right after it’s over, it’s fresh so the details matter more than they should. Years or even months from now none of this will matter. But right now, you dwell and analyze, and second guess. You bother your best friend for insight. You already know she’s going to tell you to move on, but you want someone, anyone to tell you he’ll be back. That he still loves you and cares. But does he?

He is content with falling asleep knowing you’re crying and hurting. Not knowing what you did today. He no longer cares or worries. His words were only words.

The saddest end to a relationship is one when you can’t be with somebody you’re still in love. Truth is, as powerful and as thrilling as it may be, being in love doesn’t always mean happiness. You can continue to love someone even after they’ve hurt you, but you know deep inside that it won’t ever be the same again.

In the end, you’re left with a hollow, empty feeling. A void from losing your best friend. Your lover. What do you do now with all these emotions that consumed you?

Valentine’s Day

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Think of me today,
If only for today.
It’s Valentine’s Day, after all.
Forget the crazy,
The convos I took too far..
Think of me today,
And remember…
Us in all our happiness,
In all the love we grew to share.
Me as the girl you once fell in love with,
And not as some girl in your past
Or that ex who didn’t know when to stop.
Think of me today
And where we are now.
Remember it once was worth it.
Reflect on the last month
How the good outweighs the bad.
Think of me today,
And ask,
Is this what you want?
Think of me today
And tell me you still love me.
It’s Valentine’s Day.
If only for today,
Think of me.

Planted Dream

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He made an appearance in my dream last night. In this dream, I decided I would go through all his social media to “catch up” and see how he was doing. Time had healed all wounds. I read about his new life, family, and poetic pieces. And although much time had passed since we said our farewells, a few were still about me. Time had healed almost all wounds. The rest of the dream is a blur.

Over a year has passed since I committed to wiping him from my everyday. I no longer blame God for what happened. I needed someone to blame and why would I blame myself? At the time, that rationalization made sense. I realize now I shouldn’t have blamed God, but the church or people that pulled him away. Something about that church never quiet felt right and although that sounds horrible to admit/read…it is true. I broke my heart trying to keep what we had alive, to believe that what we shared was something more/stronger than love. It was all so in the moment.

Dreams stay as dreams now. They say never let go of your dreams, but some are best not interpreted and remembered. There are still times, and I believe it’ll always be this way, where a song, smell, etc. will gently jab my side: my subconscious keeping him relevant. 

Compassion Fatigue

It’s been a year since I’ve had the strength to move on. A year since I was finally able to realize that no matter what I tried and wished, it would do no good. Yet, one thing still holds true: I wasn’t the one that gave up…and I never will be. Because no matter where we are, or when, regardless of whatever we are, I will always remember you the way you were. The way you meant to me.

I’ll continue to keep that deep within my soul.