You taught me not to fear this relationship when fear consumed me completely. Hesitant at first, you convinced me that we were meant to happen. We had a bond that would outlast any. We had a lot in common, but more importantly, we understood each other. Like two kids making a sand castle, it was pure and innocent.
Then you let it take over. That was the beginning of the end. Fear is the mind-killer. It brings complete obliteration to everything it touches. Where fear has gone, the only evidence that is left is nothing. All I have now is your silence. Nothingness has become our friendship, our relationship. The protégé became the master.
Fear makes you act irrationally. It enhances your jealousy, your insecurities, and your insanity. No matter how hard you try or what you say to convince yourself, you find yourself justifying actions you know are absolutely ridiculous and crazy. You hold on to only the good because you’re too scared to accept there could ever be a bad side. But the bad side is truth…it’s reality that you have to, no you need to accept.
Hit 8 months today. I’ve desensitized myself as much as sanely possible, but the future continues to remind me how unhealed I still am. I feel small and idiotic for not being able to overcome this. How long does this have to take? Every time I get weak I want to contact him. Not because I expect a response (please I’m not that deep in dreamland), but just to get it out. Maybe I am breaking down his barriers. Maybe he is in the same boat? Maybe. Just maybe….
2 October, years ago, he convinced me. I have no doubt I’ll be losing my grip on reality that day.