I believe in signs. I had just returned home from a long trip, where I took a TON of pics. I don’t usually back up my phone (I know, so bad), but I had the BIGGEST urge to do it r.i.g.h.t now. Right now! As soon as I got home, plugged my phone in and backed up all my photos. Well, 90% of them anyways. Wouldn’t you know it, 4 days later, I plug my phone into my computer (to charge this time) and itunes decides it needs to do everything I don’t want. Apps I don’t want/need any more start to load, I can’t figure out how to make it stop, computer goes into full crazy mode, face is burning with heat…. Forget it, unplug. Wait, where did one of my chatting apps go? I need that! Plug in, download, nothing. Okay, let’s try to back up the phone. Most recent backup shows from 1 hour prior, perfect! My phone backs up to June 2013. *Momentarily blacks out*
I literally shed a few tears. What just happened? Where did my life go? Then I realized 10% of photos I DIDN’T back up and the last conversation I had with Kyle…….gone. Can I full on cry now? So here’s the deal. I don’t need the chat conversation- haven’t read through it since everything went down, but having it on my phone was a sort of security blanket. Don’t need it, don’t look at it, but it needed to be there. Same goes for the 10% of photos. I didn’t back up those photos because I never thought something like this would happen (dumb, I know- what decade are we in?). They were snap chats and stupid photos Kyle sent (shots of locations, drawings, writings, etc). They were nicely organized into a folder that never got opened. Seeing the folder when I went into my photos section was really all I needed, not what was inside. Am I making any sense right now? At the end of the day, I don’t look at any of it, so really it was for the good that it all got deleted. I don’t need the reminders anymore.
But here is the kicker. When the phone backed up, it restored all the photos and texts from happier times before ANY of this went downhill. So after calming myself down and going through my phone to see how much damage was done, I follow up with another panic attack because everything ‘happy’ and the old ‘us’ was now on my phone. Seriously world, keep pouring salt on this wound, it isn’t deep enough yet!
Let’s overanalyze what kind of sign this is. But…ultimately, it doesn’t even matter. Freaking out for those 2-3 hours was enough. The following 1-3 weeks I could not have been more healed. I was so good that I started to second guess my happiness- am I really letting go? If I let go now, is it final? Does this break the last bit of ‘us’ that is left? Question after question after question. I became so used to having this whole in my heart. So what do I do? I gash it back open and let myself go back to depression.
I need to stop the mind games. That is what this all boils down to. I am battling with myself more so than I am with losing Kyle now. Do I still miss him? Yes. Will I always hurt? To some level, yes. He was a very big part of my life; I will always love him and carry him with me. But I am not hurting anymore. Just being stupid with myself.
I’m not the one that gave up. I’m just the one that is walking away now knowing you aren’t going to stop me.