I am so tormented by the past. It blurs my everything.
Time changes everything, and although it does not feel like it, we become different people. Through the roller coaster years of our relationship, regardless of the status we titled it, we grew into different forms of ourselves. I am stuck in a time where all was good, happy, and fun. But at some point, my best friend morphed at a faster rate than I did. What happened Kyle? Where did you go?
And it is with this past, that I struggle to let go. I think of the Kyle I knew and hope that he still exists. But the truth is: I don’t want to know Kyle now. He is a completely different person. Someone I cannot relate to. Things would never be the same. I am done fighting for a revival, but I catch myself searching for something to show that the person I knew still exists. That our journey of growing up together is not lost.
So I am tormented. I am tortured by the past, and in agony with the present. I understand where our lives lead, but the past keeps screaming in my ears. I know to let go, but my hope won’t dwindle. I know to stop this madness, but I let myself miss him too much. This back and forth battle I have in my mind is endless.
I envy you world. I am jealous of your ability to move people in and out of our lives. I resent you getting to be in Kyle’s life, when I cannot. But I resent more that I wasn’t the one to walk away first from this nightmare.