Devil in the Details

The details are filling my mind. Details I cannot control and serve no purpose other than to cause more pain. These details are shattering my heart right now. I hate that one day I’m so good and the next I’ve relapsed to day one.

I’m desperately looking for a sign. Something from him telling me he still cares, he’ll be back, he still thinks or loves…something. I’ll take anything! I know I’m only hurting myself by waiting and looking, checking the other social media sites he hasn’t removed me on. And as I try to walk away and leave, the details flood in. They hold me back and the tears fall. You never realize how deeply you are intertwined with someone until you try to walk away.

I know I have to accept that it’s over and I won’t see a sign, but I just can’t find it in myself to do so.

What I cannot look past no matter how ridiculous:

  1. Him blocking me: If we never spoke again, does it really matter if he ever unblocks me? No, but because I still want him to care, it matters. I want him to not have deleted and purged me from his memory. To not remember I’m blocked. I cant help but feel I ruined everything by pushing him into blocking me. We were already done when it happened, but it was on ‘positive’ terms. Now it’s out of hate, annoyance, and anger. I want him to remember and have some emotional response (guilt?). I want the blocking to be temporary, but I know it’s not. He has already forgotten I’m blocked, and even if he does remember, he has no intention of undoing it. 😦
  2. Him moving on: Please let it take a longer than a few months to move on. That’s the worst, to think you could be easily move on-able. That means I never meant much to him if that quickly his feelings went away. You’re with your family now, can you really be thinking of moving on to someone else? Beyond my control, and yet I care because I’m not ready to accept his feelings are gone. I’m not ready to see him happy with someone else. It’s so petty, I know…but it matters to me.
    1. The small gestures and things he will do when he starts to feel for another girl…I can’t!
  3. How we ended: I always hope for friendship after, but people’s definitions of friends after breakups differ. To him, it would have just meant we stay connected on social media. To me it would be to talk regularly and hang out. I wouldn’t have been okay with his version. Coupled with the blocking, now instead of ending as “friends”, we end as disgruntled strangers. I don’t want him to remember me as a psycho ex. Or someone who didn’t know when to give up/let go. “Ew not her” if someone brings me up, as he once did when I unknowingly asked about a girl (who turned out to be an ex). I won’t know what he says or thinks, but it’s still important to me that he remembers the positive, not the negatives. No matter how crappy Kyle’s departure, I still remember him positively. I can only hope the same here. That he reflects on the positives, not the “us” at the end. That holding this grudge against me isn’t worth it.
  4. Its all just crazy to grasp: Two unlikely people come together, share something stronger than expected, and then it abruptly ends and you’re back to being strangers. One is okay with it and the other is not.
    1. He fell in love so fast, should I have taken note of that? He showed signs of being in love a few weeks in, but didn’t actually say the words until months later….
    2. But if only IN love twice…how did I fall into the “normal” pile.
  5. Did he avoid talking to me on the phone because maybe, juuuust maybe hearing my voice would trigger regret? Or did he just want to keep the distance between us? I want to believe the first option, but know it’s the latter.
  6. Years from now, if he sees a pic of me or I walk by, will he still think I’m pretty like he once did? Where I went from being pretty to beautiful to who knows what now? Will his disgust and hate really turn me into an ogre in his eyes? For eternity? And that’s the struggle with break ups. You want the other person to still find you attractive. To still be beautifully sexy to him. And not become just another person or seen as whatever. I want him to still want me and find me different. I think it’s been a really long time since he’s felt that way about me. But I think he was willing to make it work. Now he doesn’t even feel that way at all because he doesn’t even want to make it work. Meaning he’s not attracted to me anymore. Super superficial…but he once told me my face caught his attention, and I want it to still should we see each other again.
  7. Does he plan to make this long-term or will he eventually come around? He never really talks to his exes after breakups. A like here or a follow there, but never any dialogue occurs. I want to believe I’m different, but am I putting too much emotion into this thought? And once I’m moved on, will it even matter?
  8. Carrie brought up a good point: Why did we keep it going after I moved? Why not take the easy out? So was the “fakeness” really the reason why he left? It got to be too much? And when the relationship wasn’t worth it anymore the realization that the in love part was gone? So it became a necessity than anything else? Is there a possibility that he still cared? Still cares? And the block was only because I became annoying or struck a cord? I’m just spinning in circles….
    1. Is the breakup what he wanted or needed? Or did he act out what he believed as the “right thing to do”? If he came around to realizing he made a mistake, would he just let the thought die or would he try to save us?
    2. He did it while drunk, so did he act out of emotion or was he rational? Was it an impulsive act? Sigh…
  9. Its so stupid but im curious of how he felt before and now after the block. Was there a chance or did he still care and is not pissed? Or is now annoyed? Or is now too hurt? Or was there no change at all? Or did he just get tired of seeing messages from me?
  10. He always puts on a tough act or apathetic front. Is that what he’s doing now and inside really does hurt? Or does he really feel nothing?
  11. But most of all, I cannot get over how easy he is making this breakup look. I wasn’t expecting this to end. He wanted this relationship to work at the beginning so bad, fighting and pursuing, but then just walk away as if it meant nothing? What gives? We went through so much, I want to know so badly why he can’t try one more time. There has always been a one more time for us.

None of what I am dwelling on matters. And yet, while my emotions are so high and the tears keep strolling, it’s all I can seem to think about. What happened to us? How did we get here?! Ugh, as I reread this post I disgust myself.

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