I was the one who loved you even though you gave me a thousand reasons not to. I overlooked those reasons because I was selfish and scared. Because I was so consumed by “our love”. I was selfish and wanted you for myself. I still want you for myself. I was selfish and wanted you for my happiness. I thought I was bringing you happiness too. I was selfish because I was looking forward to you moving to the same city. Having a best friend and lover under the same roof. Someone to look forward to going home to. Cooking, traveling, and experiencing life with. I’m selfish because I want you to be hurting like you hurt me. For this to not be as easy as you are making it. For you to regret your decision. I want a part of you to be struggling. I’m selfish because you gave me strength to change my life, and for that I don’t want to let you go. I want you to keep motivating me and giving me strength to do better, be better, or just live better. I’m selfish because I don’t want you to be with anyone else until I’m ready. Because right now, it would just hurt too much to see you moved on. I want you to still want me, and I be the one to walk away unhurt. I want to have control over how this ended. I’m selfish because I want to be who you still drunk text and call at 3 in the morning. I’m selfish because I don’t want to let go.
I’m selfish because I don’t want you to forget me. To forget us. To come back. To keep loving me. I’m selfish for thinking we were something more than we were. For thinking we were different…I was different.
But you were fucking selfish too Grey. You leaving was selfish. You knew it would cause me great pain, but you didn’t care. You wanted out and you didn’t care that it shattered my heart into a million pieces. You couldn’t even tell me why. I knew I loved you more when I started making excuses for the way you hurt me. Coming in second place to your video games. You’re selfish for saying I had pride issues, when it’s only ever been about your pride. You’re selfish because this is the norm for you, this is how you always leave. You took all my memories and secrets with the promise of being there for me and all would be okay, but where are you now? You wanted the long haul remember? You asked for marriage and ever after, was that all just a game? You’re selfish because it’s all or nothing with you: we are lovers or we are strangers. And in the future, you’ll describe me to others inaccurately. You won’t give them the happy memories, just the negatives. You’re selfish because you would always come back if I asked and now you won’t hear me. My words, emotions, and heartbreak mean nothing to you. You’re selfish for being happy right now. You emphasized a gazillion times how no matter what we’d be friends. You wiped us from your memory and that’s the most selfish thing you could do.
You’re selfish because you don’t want to remember me. To remember us. To come back. To keep loving me. You were selfish for not letting us be something more…letting me mean more.
Right now, I’m selfish for loving you and wanting to try again. You’re selfish for throwing it away and not turning back.