Seeing the Forrest for its Trees

“The only real thing is what you’re feeling right now.”

Emotional:

We survived a lot in our quick year together, yet we can’t survive this. When I think back over the year, I find I am shocked we ever dated. We were such an unlikely pair. The relationship caught both of us by surprise. We defied everything else, so why not this? Now I’m shocked we are over. Almost two months and the reality of where we were and are now hasn’t quite settled. Did you really send me a text breaking up with me? And did that really make sense to you? It’s not like picking what to eat for dinner. There are feelings and another person involved! He was the one that sought me out and convinced me we were worth it. He fell so hard so quickly, and yet he is the one that pulls the plug? Does that make sense? Where did all those feelings go?!…Just want a small part of me to still make his heart shiver. You always want to be a great love to someone. Where moving on would take a lot more strength and pain. Not so immediate or easily replaceable. You want to believe that it wasn’t a waste.

As time got closer for you to move here, I started planning. Planning our future. Planning the promises we made for when you got here. You didn’t give me signs to worry or to stop planning. Now, everything I planned burns just a little more inside because I attached so many emotions to them. None will come alive and that makes me so incredible sad.

You always want relationships to work. I know this wasn’t the right relationship for me, but that doesn’t mean I wanted it to end. I didn’t want to change him, but I wanted to believe we could, together, change and survive. I convinced myself that we were something more than we were. Coming up on two months, and despite the fact he hasn’t reached out or done anything to indicate he’s coming back, I still strongly believe if we met or he reached out, it would all go back to normal. I want to believe this is true because it feels right….Feels right vs. is right. It hurts when you realize you aren’t as important to someone as you thought. You know things will never be the same, even if he came back. But deep inside, that’s all you want. A dead end.

I’m not okay with him being okay with me not being in his life. Can he really pretend nothing happened? We didn’t exist? That the last year and some change didn’t impact him as much as he said? Then leave like he’s unaffected. With some breakups you know your ex checks in on you. I don’t think he does. He was such an emotional person, but from the moment he hit send on that text to now, he’s suddenly become the coldest person.

My thoughts and memories are the only thing keeping us alive and I’m not ready to let go, Grey. I know it’s the truth, but I’m not ready to say goodbye yet.

Rational: 

When I can look past my emotions, I know it’s clear he intends to stand by his decision and not come back. It’s crystal clear! Recent events aside from this break up have taught me that once you’re done in relationships, you’re done. So for me to think he is coming back is wasted energy. He committed and is convinced this is the right decision. Why would he consider me asking him to try one more time? He wouldn’t. He doesn’t want to talk about it or leave the topic open for discussion.

When this is the case, you don’t think about the past. You think about where you are in that moment and where you need to go moving forward. So as emotional as I got about how he could so easily let our past go, I know it didn’t come up.

We won’t be in each other’s lives again. He will never initiate contact. That isn’t his MO. We may, years down the road, “like” something of each other’s on social media, but that’s all it’ll ever be. That’s how it goes with relationships: you clean cut from that person. If he ever unblocks me and decides to refriend or I reach out, I’m sure through social media we will be “friends”. But rationally thinking, even years from now I wouldn’t want that. I don’t want that with other people, so why would he be any different?

He said I had pride issues. But how he’s act now is nothing but pride and ego. Knowing how he’s acted in the past has helped the healing process. Knowing I wasn’t the only relationship he just up and threw away. He has a system. It doesn’t feel good to know I was treated the same as the others, but it makes understanding what happened easier.

I still believe all it boiled down to was time and distance apart. I want to believe the feelings we shared will forever hold a spot in his heart, but I also have to believe that if what we shared was really that strong, it wouldn’t have ended. This is life. We develop feelings just as quickly as we forget those feelings. So although we meant the world to each other at one point, it was only for that one point.

I let the emotional side of me think we stood a chance. I psyched myself out and hindered the healing process. I want to believe we could exist again. That we cannot fade so easily, but rationally I have to accept we are now strangers in the same city.

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