The shock…it hasn’t worn off yet.
Emotions flood in without warning and roll out with the tide just as quickly. When the emotions come, they come with such force and brutality, it leaves you second guessing everything you held as stable. All you can do is find a dark spot and hold your knees as you talk yourself back to reality. Am I trying to validate myself? Find reasons to prove what, and to who?
When the numbness wears off I am left grasping for something, but I’m not sure what. I hold on because that is all I know to do. The habit has its own life now. I go down an echoing, and never-ending rabbit hole. The cycle repeats: this is finally happening, this is really happening, I’m not ready, it’s over, it’s really over, I’m in his past, I don’t understand, wait, I’m ready, good for him, this is good, I’m good, finally the time has come.
What do you think about when all you’ve thought about for the last 3 years no longer matters? I see the light at the end of the tunnel, but something in the back of my mind screams that I have to keep thinking. I’m not done yet, I’m not done thinking about this topic. But you were gone, without a trace. You hurt me, bad. And you’re still gone.
I am sad about not being sad, so I fill the void with what I always fill it with…. Triggers arise more frequently as I tell myself not to think about it. But then I justify why I should keep analyzing. I cave. My memories betray me, trying to force me to stay. Reminders of a time gone by. Everything I do and see relates back. My mind keeps trying to find reasons to get worked up, to stay in the fight. Why am I so conflicted? Why is the world fighting me on letting go? Oh the clouds have cleared…wait a minute, are you sure about that?
This would all be easier if I could just hate you. This is the last time I cry for and about you