No Seconds

I use to wonder what would happen if we saw each other walking down the street. I wondered how that would play out. Would we stop, say hi and remember each other? Do a long, silent stare but keep going? Or would we pretend not know each other at all?

In the last 8 months I realized, it doesn’t matter. None of it in the end did. You were a big thing with many small memories. I don’t need to go back anymore, one serving was enough.

Quiet Drama

The shock…it hasn’t worn off yet.

Emotions flood in without warning and roll out with the tide just as quickly. When the emotions come, they come with such force and brutality, it leaves you second guessing everything you held as stable. All you can do is find a dark spot and hold your knees as you talk yourself back to reality. Am I trying to validate myself? Find reasons to prove what, and to who?

When the numbness wears off I am left grasping for something, but I’m not sure what. I hold on because that is all I know to do. The habit has its own life now. I go down an echoing, and never-ending rabbit hole. The cycle repeats: this is finally happening, this is really happening, I’m not ready, it’s over, it’s really over, I’m in his past, I don’t understand, wait, I’m ready, good for him, this is good, I’m good, finally the time has come.

What do you think about when all you’ve thought about for the last 3 years no longer matters? I see the light at the end of the tunnel, but something in the back of my mind screams that I have to keep thinking. I’m not done yet, I’m not done thinking about this topic. But you were gone, without a trace. You hurt me, bad. And you’re still gone.

I am sad about not being sad, so I fill the void with what I always fill it with…. Triggers arise more frequently as I tell myself not to think about it. But then I justify why I should keep analyzing. I cave. My memories betray me, trying to force me to stay. Reminders of a time gone by. Everything I do and see relates back. My mind keeps trying to find reasons to get worked up, to stay in the fight. Why am I so conflicted? Why is the world fighting me on letting go? Oh the clouds have cleared…wait a minute, are you sure about that?images

This would all be easier if I could just hate you. This is the last time I cry for and about you

Hey Don’t Forget!

I am so tormented by the past. It blurs my everything.

Time changes everything, and although it does not feel like it, we become different people. Through the roller coaster years of our relationship, regardless of the status we titled it, we grew into different forms of ourselves. I am stuck in a time where all was good, happy, and fun. But at some point, my best friend morphed at a faster rate than I did. What happened Kyle? Where did you go?

And it is with this past, that I struggle to let go. I think of the Kyle I knew and hope that he still exists. But the truth is: I don’t want to know Kyle now. He is a completely different person. Someone I cannot relate to. Things would never be the same. I am done fighting for a revival, but I catch myself searching for something to show that the person I knew still exists. That our journey of growing up together is not lost.

So I am tormented. I am tortured by the past, and in agony with the present. I understand where our lives lead, but the past keeps screaming in my ears. I know to let go, but my hope won’t dwindle. I know to stop this madness, but I let myself miss him too much. This back and forth battle I have in my mind is endless.

I envy you world. I am jealous of your ability to move people in and out of our lives. I resent you getting to be in Kyle’s life, when I cannot. But I resent more that I wasn’t the one to walk away first from this nightmare.

What’s the Time?

Before I go any further, I want to caveat that what I am about to write is ridiculousness at its finest. But I have to get it off my chest.

I can’t shake Kyle getting rid of that chatting app. I text this to Carrie in hopes that it’ll lighten my mind and help me push the thought away. But it doesn’t. Instead, I replay in my mind how I think it went down when he removed the app. Am I serious?! To take it further, I rewind the last year and a half. I take comfort in knowing that up until September, he was hurting too. He hadn’t forgotten about me. Good. But then he stopped writing, and at about the same time, I stopped reaching out to him. Sure, I was still torn up inside and struggling to understand, but I realized I was fighting an uphill battle. Playing forward, I act like a fool in January as I have a knee jerk reaction to what he does. Okay, I’ve come to terms with that…but then sometime in the middle of June he does this.

It is the timing of it all that drives me insane. Why not? Did you realize you were never going to use that app again and thought now was a good time to delete? Because you can’t stand the idea of it on your phone? Because you just don’t need it anymore, meh. Or maybe……long stretch…..having it on your phone brings back too many memories. Did I mention how ridiculous I am being? Carrie’s right, I can’t read into the timing too much because it could be just random. And I believe it; I delete apps all the time randomly after realizing I don’t need them. But after January, it just seemed to make more sense if this all happened at once. I don’t understand why he still had this on his phone to begin with. As for anything else on his phone, I have no idea. But I do feel some comfort in knowing that it took this long.

Maybe our friendship is harder to forget.

Unclean

Drawing

Every day before I sleep, I look in the mirror, toothbrush in hand. And wonder: was it all worth it? Was it as strong as I believed?

No matter how mature or hard you try, the pettiness of needing to know the other person is struggling just as you are wins. And not because you want them to hurt, but because you don’t want to be forgotten.